For some reason I am having Publishphobia. Is that a thing? I just can't seem to hit that publish button. I decided I had to write something, even if it was absolute crap, just so I can hit publish and hopefully get past this.
I think maybe some of it comes from the changes that are going on in my life right now. I am doing a lot of new things at once, but there is a certain amount of trepidation involved. I don't particularly care for change all that much, but I am trying to convince myself that change can be good. I like routine and the comfort of it, but it isn't very exciting.
I have a part time job, still managing our home and kids and handling that okay, and am looking into another opportunity that I will just love if I am able to do it. But I feel like I am stepping out into the unknown a bit. And it's a little scary...okay, it's a LOT scary. Levi is being extremely supportive and seems thrilled that I am hoping to get into something that I LOVE to do. Maybe he is just excited about me finally getting a paycheck too:), but seems genuinely thrilled for me. I am losing weight and looking and feeling great too...I even signed up to walk a 10K! Yikes!
It's all great, so why do I feel so nervous? Am I scared to be good at something? Scared that I will be bad at something? Just adjusting still? Please tell me you all have these moments...make me feel normal!
So here I go...stepping out to try these new things and hit freaking publish so that I can finally just take the plunge and get these drafts out into the world for goodness sake!
Hi Bea,I think there is definitely such s thing as publishphobia!
ReplyDeleteChange is good, but it is also scary. It's only natural you feel some trepidation. This sounds like s fantastic opportunity, especially doing something you enjoy. My fingers are crossed for you and wishing you all the best.
Congratulations on the weight loss and signing up for the 10k. Good on you! Glad to hear you are feeling better too :)
Hugs
Roz
Thank you Roz!
DeleteYes, yes - change is great and all that, however I HATE it! So I do know how you feel. But I do hope you get this job and that you truly love it. I don't have publish phobia - you wouldn't believe some of the mindless drivel I've posted. I'm sure others wish I was more discerning!
ReplyDeleteI hate it to PK...but I suppose change is necessary:) LOL...you are so funny...I have never read drivel on your blog!
DeleteThanks PK
This is me, Bea. I do not like to publish posts. At all. Not sure if it's a phobia, but it definitely is a deeply felt aversion. Kudos to you for putting it out here!
ReplyDeleteHugs...
Thanks Irishey!:)
DeleteI have a few posts waiting in the wings...waiting for what I don't know...a rainy day? So I understand. And while change can be a great thing and is inevitable at times...doesn't make it easy. I have a really hard time with change. Good luck with your run - that is great! :-) Hugs
ReplyDeleteGlad I am not alone on having a hard time with change:) Thanks! Get those posts out in the weather Terps:)
DeleteRemember when you were uncertain about talking to Levi about your wants and desires a while back? Remember how well that worked out and how he even opened up to you about some things he desired? Then there was the hotel stay and the hotel sex. Not all change is to be feared to the point of it controlling your life, Bea. Being married was new and a little frightening. Being a parent was new and a little frightening. How about sex, a new sex position, oral sex, "asking" to be spanked or entering into a D/s lifestyle. What if you had frightened yourself out of considering or doing any of that? How much better is your life in that you at some point did at least some of them? You CAN do this too.
ReplyDeleteLike Levi, I too have confidence that you will do well at the job you are looking into. I believe Levi truly wants to see you living a professionally fulfilled life doing something that you love and that the money is not his primary reason for encouraging you. If you told him the job only paid half as much but you would love doing it and feel like you were fulfilling a purpose, I am certain he would tell you to go for it all the same. If he has a job he dislikes, he understands how you feel. I he has a job he loves, he understands how you feel. Either way, HE UNDERSTANDS. Trust his faith and confidence in your abilities and trust that Levi may realize more than you how greatly this job would benefit you and ultimately your marriage. Cliched though it sounds, "Happy wife/happy life." Don't find yourself a year from know agonizing over "I should'a," or "What if I would'a/
As to publishphobia, it sounds more like you feel you should be delivering profound insights and observations with every post to be worthy of reading. Get over it. Even I can't do that and Lord knows I try to the tune of 2500 words a post. Being a perfectionist, I do understand about not feeling you have "finished" sometimes and not wanting to publish until you can feel cohesiveness and completion with the post. Beyond that technical aspect of good writing, author like you are talking over a cup of coffee or on the phone with an old friend too long absent from you life. For me, that is your style and you do it so fantastically well. I always look forward to YOUR spin on YOUR unique life and marriage.
I understand what it is to get stuck as to your muse evading you. I have been hammering off and on at Part 7 of "...Seemed Like..." for two weeks now as I watch my view stats decline. I feel the pressure and at some point just have to induce labor and birth SOMETHING. Surprisingly, that birthing effort often turns out like sex when I'm feeling tired: I think about it a while, I put forward my malleable small effort, that effort grows as the concept firms up and eventually that effort climaxes in a fluid experience that was definitely worth my effort and worthy of my sharing with my wife to appreciate.
Hang in there girl. While wresting with Part 7, I was using massage as an illustrative element of fantasy. The more I wrote, the more I realized it was a post unto itself which it has now become and you and a lot of wives are going to really like it and a lot of husbands should read and adopt it into their marriage sharing. Sometimes you get a two-fer but you have to be on your toes to catch it and then edit it out of the post and write something else in its place. That is literally how I come up with all these serial posts. I don't begin with the thought of "I should do a 7-part post on fantasy or 6-part post female body image, or a 4-part post on what a wife's sexual "duty" is to her husband." They just grow organically.
I love what you do. Keep doing it.
Thank you so much! This means a lot to me...you are right by the way...I know men love to hear that:) I wonder why in the world anyone would want to read what I have to say sometimes. We never really know...it can help us or someone else just to read what we think...or make them see something in another way.
DeleteAnd yes Levi really would encourage me no matter the pay:) because he knows that I am excited about it:) He is pretty awesome like that!
Thanks, Bea
"... .you are right by the way...I know men love to hear that:)"
ReplyDeleteIt isn't just that we love to hear that, What we love is you finally admitting to it. "Can I get that in writing, dear? If I put that on a T-shirt, 'He's right as usual' will you wear it?" Now that we would love. :) Just a thought.