She is Not Your Mother, He is not a Child

I have a couple friend of ours that has an issue.  One of those issues that make you wish you could point it out to them, but social norms say that it is none of your business, and that they should probably figure it out for themselves.  I have the benefit of knowing what each of them thinks about the issue and wish they would just talk to each other!...this would be a non issue if they would share a bit.  Theirs is not an uncommon experience and so I thought I would share my opinion here in case any of you are experiencing this as well.

His POV:
"She acts like she is my mother", "She treats me like I am a kid"

Get off your pansy, victim rear!  Now, other men may jump to the conclusion that she is just a managing female and in a way she has become a bit managing...I will agree.  Here are some tips if you find yourself saying these things to yourself or your buddies.  To be blunt:  If she acts like your mother, you should stop acting like one of the kids.  Most likely she is acting like your mother because you are behaving like one of your children.  She is feeling unprotected and is trying to control everything in order to feel secure.

1.  Pick up after yourself.  If she spends all day cleaning up after you and the kids she is going to lump you in with them in her head.  Use the hamper. Rinse your own beard growth hairs and toothpaste down the sink.  Wipe your piss off the seat.  Rinse your plate from dinner and put it in the dishwasher.  I am not telling you that you have to do the laundry, scrub the sink or toilet, or do all the dishes.  I am telling you not to be a slob and not be someone else in the house that she has to clean up after.  Thank her for all the things she does.  Sometimes that is all we need...just a "wow, hon, the house looks great!", or "thanks for doing all you do!" etc.

2.  Do what you say you are going to do OR communicate your intentions.  You say you want to pay the bills...pay them on time.  You say you want to take care of the lawn...don't wait until you get a notice from the HOA before you mow.  Basically, be responsible and communicate when you plan to accomplish something and then do it.  If something happens that you can't do it then, communicate when you intend to do it before she nags you about it.  Don't let the broken toilet sit for months without fixing it!

3.  Don't allow her to speak to you in a way that makes you feel like a child...say something to her for goodness sake...don't just whine about it...whining is childlike behavior.

4.  Act like a man.  Men are sexy.  Do sexy man things...lift heavy objects, car maintenance, lawn work, fix something with a manly tool belt on.  Not handy? Then take care of hiring someone to fix whatever it is that you can't.  You are still taking care of it!

Her POV:
"He needs me to manage him.", "I have 4 kids...three and my husband."

Get off your selfish high horse.  Women may jump to the conclusion that if he is going to act like a child then I have to treat him like one.  The problem is that we should be lifting them up, encouraging them and treating them like a child is only going to make them act like one.  If we continue to tear them down, make ourselves sound better than, smarter than, or more efficient than them, then we will only be kicking them from our high horse and they will continue to fall down.  A bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He is feeling disrespected and wondering why he should ever bother if you are never happy with what he does.

1. Bite your tongue.  Ask yourself this question...Am I really upset with him or am I irritated, stressed, overwhelmed, feeling insecure etc. and taking it out on him?  These phrases are really kinda passive aggressive.  Would you keep trying if someone insulted you every time you tried to do something?

2.  Realize that there is more than one way to skin a cat.   2+2=4, but so does 3+1.  Don't be so freakin' picky...if you are really bothered by the way he does something then suggest a switch in chores.  If it is getting done, does it really matter how it is done?  My mother taught me that if your husband is willing to help around the house, then for goodness sake don't critique his work, even if you have to redo it later.  And for goodness sake, say thank you!  Most likely he just does things different than you, but if he really is going to ruin something, then switch jobs.  Does it really matter how the towels are folded?  Does it matter if he drys your cashmere sweater?  See the difference?

3.  Focus on all the things he does right and show him respect.  Be very careful how you speak to your husband in regards to the things you feel they aren't doing.  Choose your words and moments carefully.  Be very careful how you speak about your husband to others.  Most people mean these phrases somewhat as a joke...there is a grain of truth in it though...think about how you are making your spouse sound to others.  Think about how he will feel when he hears it...some women do it right in front of their husbands...like my friend...and her husband laughs it off, but you can tell that it hurts.

4. Two words...natural consequences.  If he doesn't pay the bill on time, then he will have to pay a late fee.  My inner control monster would freak at this, but some people have to suffer the consequences of their action or inaction in order to learn.  He is a grown man...he'll figure it out.

I am sure this all sounds a bit preachy or harsh and I apologize for that.  The thing is, this was Levi and I not that long ago and I see it now and cringe knowing the damage that each of my dear friends are doing to each other.  I know how much I was stressed out and overwhelmed and felt like I was having to do everything.  I know now the pain my husband was feeling when I would speak to him this way or critique everything he tried to do.  I think about the poor example we were being for our children and hope it isn't too late to set a better example.  I just don't like to see people hurt each other...however unintentionally, so please forgive me my unsolicited advice:)