As much as it may have seemed that way lately, marriage is not always butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns. Don't get me wrong, things have been great here lately, but marriage is never a cake walk is it? Is it? Ever? Cause that would be really cool, right? Ah, but we live in the real world of expectations, desires, personalities, and opinions that don't always match up.
I need your help. Levi has a habit that DRIVES ME INSANE! I can't figure out why he does it? I thought if I could figure out why, especially if it is something that I am doing, then I could help prevent it.
Let me give you some examples:
We were on vacation and I asked if he wanted to walk to a certain area to explore. He said it was too far. I said okay. He said no, let's go ahead and go. I said no, we don't have to. He said no, that sounds fun, let's go. I said okay and we go. Well, he starts acting like he is mad about being there. He is acting annoyed and sucking any fun out of being there.
Another example:
We are on our way to a party that he said he wanted to go to when asked the week before. On the way there, he tells me he never wanted to go. And you are telling me now? What do you want me to do about it now? Why did you say you wanted to if you really didn't?
I could list more examples, but I think you get the gist. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, I can feel my anger bubbling to the surface. It takes a lot on my part to keep it from boiling over. It takes a lot for me to get angry, but when I do, it isn't pretty; especially when I feel like someone's issue being directed at me is unjustified.
If you don't tell me, how am I supposed to know? I really hate when you say you want to do something and then act mad at me when you are doing it? I have said these things to him and yet he still does it.
What I can't figure out is why?
seems a bit passive aggressive? he is really mad at himself, but taking it out on me?
is he just being too nice, wanting to make me happy, but not telling me how he really feels because he is afraid to upset me?
is it because of the years of stealing the pants from him, now he doesn't want to rock the boat? path of least resistance and all that?
What is the deal? and what can I do about it?
Hmmm, I think he is wanting to please you but feeling insecure about his own wants, so he makes himself miserable. I advise, instead of getting mad at him about changing his mind, take him up on it and make him follow through. If he doesn't want to go to the party, turn around and go home. If he suddenly doesn't want to explore, leave. Build his confidence, he's stuttering and needs patience.
ReplyDeleteJenny, thanks so much for the advice. I think you are right about his intentions. I have been thinking about these replies all day. And my response has been something like, "But, but, but." Like...but what about me, the kids, the people we are going to see, the money already spent, etc. Then I was like oh crapola, that isn't exactly the priorities I am trying to live. Any suggestions for those times that you really can't get out of something? I definitely need to look more closely at my motivations to see which are truly necessary. And then what do I say to people whom are expecting us without making him sound bad and without lying?
DeleteJenny's advice is good. A couple of important nuances:
ReplyDelete-- if an event is really important to you when you ask, say so. If it is not, say so. It's easier for him to choose between his desires and yours when he knows the relative importance to you.
-- Tell him you are willing to go alone or with a friend (if you are), so that gives him another option to choose.
-- When you ask him about an event, having done the above, and he says yes to the event, thank him and tell him that if at any time he decides he is not happy about going, even at the event, he is perfectly free to change his mind, and you will cheerfully change with him, because you only want him to go if he is happy to do so, because you want his happiness more than anything else, so that makes it miserable for you if he is going even when he is not happy about it.
-- Determine internally that all of this is true and your decision (which is giving/surrendering a LOT), so that you can execute perfectly at every step of the way. Practice past events in your head, and his turning you down or changing his mind every step of the way, so you are ready to handle the emotions when it happens.
Doing this puts the responsibility for both the choice to go or not and the choice to be happy when he does go directly in his hands. It frees him up, because he can feel his way through such choices, figuring himself and your dynamic out, without needing to be perfect, because he can change his mind. This will stop his feeling trapped.
If he ever goes and then starts acting unhappy, you can then observe, "You seem to be unhappy to be here. Am I reading you right?" If he says yes, then cheerfully tell him, "I really want you to be happy and can only enjoy our time here if you are happy, so, if it's okay with you, I'd really rather do something else if that would make you happier. Is there something else you would prefer to be doing right now? It's okay if what you prefer doesn't involve me." (So many husbands just want to stay home and get something done!)
What this does is give him indirectly the choice to offer to stay and be happy about it, or choose to do something else.
Again, practice this in your head beforehand, because it's hard, especially since it is easy for us to turn it into rejection.
In the long run, when he experiences the freedom of choice and figures things out through practice, he will start choosing to do some things with you happily just to make you happy.
Note: This only works with good men who, like all of us, are learning over time to become more giving, freely from their hearts. Bad men, who have no inclination toward growing in love and goodness, will simply take advantage of this process and choose themselves always.
You had me until point 3 and then like I said to Jenny above I was like, but wait! What about me, the kids, the people we are going to see, the money already spent? I kept going through these what about and buts all day until I had an aha moment...none of those things is putting my husband as the priority. Darn it!
DeleteThank you anonymous for the words to say!! I struggle so much with this sometimes. These words are non threatening and put his best interests at heart. Hopefully it will make it easier for him to see how his negativeness effects me. I take his negativeness very personally.
I will say he has spent more time than not doing things I want to do just to make me happy. He is very introverted and would probably rather stay home. Quite often these things are social things...another aha moment for me today. He is a very good man.
Like in my reply above, do you have any suggestions for those things you really can't get out of? And what do I say to people whom are expecting us without lying or making him sound bad? Thanks!!
Hey Bea...between Jenny and Anon, they covered everything, and more!, that I would have said...gave you some great advice. Sending lots of positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
Thanks Cat for the positive thoughts...it's always great to get feedback that you can't ask for from in person friendships. Eye opening!
DeleteHi Bea, I too agree with the wonderful comments above and don't know what I can add. Sending positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thanks for the positive thoughts Roz! Not an all the time problem, but drives me bananas when it does.
DeleteAnon has written virtually everything I would have written. Very good advice. You can tailor it to your own personal situation.
ReplyDeleteSometimes a lack of confidence causes a person to react in the way Levi does. If you are more of an introvert, it can be hard to make decisions that "put you out there".
Sending hugs and blessings to you.
Ami
Thanks for the introvert insight. Any thought on what to say to those expecting us without making him look bad or lying? I have a strong inclination that when you say you are going to be there that you get there, unless of course someone is sick etc. So if I am going to stand behind him...what do I do in those instances where someone is expecting us? or when we really can't get out of something like a family function?
Deletesuggestions above are great...I think my husband reacts in the same way sometimes and I will take the advice to heart... Thanks for sharing
ReplyDelete